A blond guy visits the hospital. 
"I want to be castrated!" he demands cheerfully. 
"Are you sure about this?" the doctor asks. "Have you discussed it with your wife?" 
"Yes, yes!I've thought about this for a long time. Let's get it over with!" 
So, the operation is performed.Since it's relatively simple, the blond guy only has to stay in the hospital for two days.On his way home, he meets a friend. 
"Well, hello!I haven't seen you for a couple of days," his friend says. 
"No, I've been to the hospital," replies the blond. 
"Well, that's funny. I'm on my way there right now!" 
"Really?So, what's up?" 
"I'm going to be vaccinated." 
"Oh, shit!!That's what it's called!" 
 
 

An elderly couple went into a doctor.They told the doctor "We're having some trouble with our sex life.Could you watch and offer some suggestions?" The doctor replied, "I'm not a sex therapist.You should find someone else." The couple said, "No, No, we trust you." 
After watching them have sex, the doctor said, "You don't seam to be having any troubles.I wish my sex life was as good.I can't give you any suggestions." 
This was repeated the next week and also the third week.After they had finished on the third week, the doctor said, "You aren't having any trouble. Is this your idea of kinky sex?" 
The man replied, "No, actually the problem is if we have sex at my house, my wife will catch us.If we have sex at her house, her husband will catch us. The motel charges us $50, and we can't afford that.You only charge $35, and medicare pays half of that." 
 
 
 

How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb? 
-That depends on whether it has health insurance. 
- Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb 
installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare. 
 
 
 

A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup.As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red 'H' on her chest."How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor."Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies. 
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup.As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue 'Y' on her chest."How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor."Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies. 
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup.As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green 'M' on her chest."Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor."No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin.Why do you ask?" 
 
 
 
 

A really handsome man had a high sqeuaky voice.He was surrounded by 
girls except they ran off at the sound of his voice.So he went to the 
doctor.The doctor said he could fix the problem by cutting off the 
mans penis.The man agreed to the surgery, and sure enough hios vooice 
went to normal and he was surrounded by women. 

Later he decided to get a whole new wardrobe.The tailor took a look 
at him and rattled of figures ending up with underwear size 36.The man 
said no I wear size 30.The tailor said, "I've been doing this for years 
trust me.If you wore size thirty you voice would be high and squeaky." 
 
 
 

A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her.She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing. 
"Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much.I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before."  
The doctor reassured her. "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone.Just where has this hair appeared?" 
"On my balls." 
 
 
 

A woman was going to marry one of those guys that want a virgin. Since she was not, she went to a doctor to reconstruct her hymen. The doctor told her that will cost around $500, but there is an another way that will cost only $50. 
The woman agreed to try the cheap way, paid the money, and the doctor worked on her for several minutes. 
After the "first night" the woman came back to the doctor and told him that it was perfect.The pain, the blood, everything was there. And she asked him how he did it. 
"I tied your pubic hair," he answered. 
 
 
 

Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I'm under such a lot of stress, I keep losing my temper with people. 
Doctor:Tell me about your problem. 
Patient: I JUST DID, DIDN'T I, YOU STUPID BASTARD!!! 
 
 
 
 

Three old men are sitting on the porch of a retirement home. 
The first says, "Fellas, I got real problems.I'm seventy years old. Every morning at seven o'clock I get up and I try to urinate.All day long I try to urinate.They give me all kinds of medicine but nothing helps." 
The second old man says, "You think you have problems.I'm eighty years old. Every morning at 8:00 I get up and try to move my bowels.I try all day long. They give me all kinds of stuff but nothing helps." 
Finally the third old man speaks up, "Fellas: I'm ninety years old. Every morning at 7:00 sharp I urinate.Every morning at 8:00 I move my bowels. Every morning at 9:00 sharp I wake up." 
 
 
 
 

Patient to eye-doctor: "I'm very worried about the outcome of this operation, doctor.What are the chances? " 

Eye-doctor to patient: "Don't worry you won't be able to see the difference." 
 
 
 

Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. 
"Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!" 
"That's all fine" said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?" 
 
 
 

Shortly after the 911 emergency number became available, an elderly and quite ill lady appeared in a Rochesterhospital emergency room, having driven herself to the hospital and barely managing to stagger in from the parking lot.The horrified nurse said, "Why didn't you call the 911 number and get an ambulance?" 
The lady said, "My phone doesn't have an eleven." 
(...this one is true!) 
 
 
 

An anxious woman goes to her doctor."Doctor," she asks nervously, "can you get pregnant from anal intercourse?" 
"Certainly," replies the doctor, "Where do you think lawyers come from?" 
 
 
 
 

A man is having problems with his dick which certainly had seen better times...He consults a doctor which, after a couple of tests, says,  
"Sorry, but you've overdone it the last 30 years, your dick is burned out; you won't be able to make love more than 30 times!" 
The man walks home (deeply depressed, of course); his wife is already expecting him at the front door and asks him what the doctor said concerning his problem.He tells her what the doc told him. 
She says: " Oh my god, only 30 times! We should not waste that; we should make a list!"He replies, "Yes, i already made a list on the way home; sorry your name is not on it!" 
 
 
 

A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy.Shortly after he recovers from his an anesthetic his surgeon comes in and tells him:  
"Well, I've got good news and I've got bad news for you." 
"Give me the bad news first, Doc." says the patient. 
"I'm afraid that we accidentally cut your balls off during surgery, son." 
"Oh my god!" the patient cries, breaking into tears. 
"But the good news", the doctor adds, "is that we had them biopsied and you'll be relieved to know that they weren't malignant!" 
 
 
 

A man went to see a doctor because of a very high, squeaky, annoying voice.The doctor examined him, and told him that the only way would be to replace his extremely large penis with a smaller one.The guy is desperate and decides to go through with the operation.It's a great success and the man has a fantastic baritone. 
But after some time the guy's sex life deteriorates and he decides to see the doctor to try get his original equipment back.He says to the doctor, 
"Doctor, is there any way that you could get me my organ back, my sex life has gone to pot." 
"Not on your life!!" the doctor replies in a high, squeaky, annoying voice. 
 
 
 
 

A fellow goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I have this problem that I am always farting all of the time.Although they don't smell, they do make loud noises, and it is affecting my social life." 
The doctor gives him some pills, and asks him to return next week. 
He returns, and says, "Those pills did no good.In fact they made things worse.I still fart as much, but now they smell terrible." 
To which the doctor replies, "Good!Now that we have your nose working again, lets work on your farting" 
 
 
 
 

One woman says to another: "I can't understand why you haven't gone to see that new gynecologist yet! I mean he's so young and handsome! And your gynecologist is so old!" 
The other woman replies with a smile: "Yeah, I know. His hands shake *all* the time!" 
 
 
 

A pipe burst in a doctor's house.He called a plumber.The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600. 
The doctor exclaimed,  
"This is ridiculous!I don't even make that much as a doctor!". 
The plumber waited for him to finish and quietly said  
"Neither did I when I was a doctor." 
 
 
 
 

What's worse than having your doctor tell you that you have VD? Having your dentist tell you. 
 
 
 

Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer? 
A: By the taste. 
 
 
 

 One day, a guy comes into a doctor's office and says, "Doc, I want it to grow". So the doc says, "Here, take three of these a day," and gives the guy a bottle of pills. 
 An hour later, another guy comes in and he wants it to grow too.  
The doc says, "Take 3 of these a day." "No, I'll take 6!" and the guy leaves. 
 Then a cowboy comes in: He wants the same. He's told to take 3 but says, "Nah, I'll take 24!" and leaves. 
 The next day all three guys come into the office. 
 1st: "Doc, Doc, it's down to my ankles!" 
 2nd: "Doc, Doc, it's draggin' an inch behingd me!" 
 Cowboy: "Yeeee-Haaah!" 
 
 
 

Did you hear about the doctor who had his license taken away because he 
was having affairs with his patients? Yeah, it's a shame because he was 
one of the top veterinarians in the country! 
 
 
 

Once upon a time, a woman complained to her doctor that she and her husband never had sex anymore. So the doctor gave her a bottle of pills and told her to put them in his drink and she would be 'satisfied.' The woman, somewhat disbelievingly, put one pill in his coffee that evening. That night they made out ... The next morning, she put two in his coffee, and that night they really got it on ... The next day, she said 'what the hell,' and put the entire bottle in ...  
A few days later, the doctor called to check on her progress. The woman's son answered the phone. When the doctor asked how she was doing, the son replied, "Mom's dead; sis is pregnant; my asshole hurts, and Dad is out naked on the front lawn yelling 'Here kitty, kitty.'" 
 
 
 
 

Last year a guy went to a doctor because he was losing weight. He found out he had a tapeworm, and was instructed by the doctor to bring a muffin, a twinkie and a cookie with him on his next visit. When he was being examined the doctor shoved the muffin, the twinkie, and finally the cookie up the guy's ass. The patient protested, but the doctor calmed him down, saying it was part of the therapy. This treatment continued for several weeks and every time the doctor shoved a muffin, a twinkie and a cookie up his ass. Finally, after many visits, the Doctor instructed the patient to bring a muffin, a twinkie and a mallet for the next visit. The day arrived and this time the doctor shoved only the muffin and the twinkie up the patient's ass. After a few minutes the tapeworm appeared out of his asshole and demanded, "Where's my cookie!?" 
WHAM!!!!!!!!!!!!