Patient: I'm in a hospital!Why am I in here? 
Doctor:You've had an accident involving a train. 
Patient: What happened? 
Doctor:Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first? 
Doctor:Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them. 
Patient: That's terrible! What's the good news? 
Doctor:There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers. 
 
 
 

Doctor:I have some good news and I have some bad news, which shall I tell first? 
Patient: Do begin with the bad news, please. 
Doctor:All Right.Your son has drowned, your daughter has been raped, your wife has divorced you, your house got blown away, and you have AIDS." 
Patient: Good grief!What's the good news? 
Doctor:The good news is that there is no more bad news. 
 
 
 

Doctor: We need to get these people to a hospital! 
Nurse:What is it? 
Doctor: It's a big building with a lot of doctors, but that's not important now! 
 
 
 

Doctor:Does it hurt when you do this? 
Patient: Yes. 
Doctor:Well, don't do that. 
 
 
 

Doctor:Have you ever had this before? 
Patient: Yes. 
Doctor:Well, you've got it again. 
 
 
 

An young man, on his first visit to a big city decides to go visit the local whore house.A little while later he starts to feel sick.He goes to see a doctor of internal medicine. 
The doctor examines him and says, "Well son, I don't know how to tellyou this, but you've got a bad case of Syphilis, Gonorrhea, and about12 other things I can't spell.I'm afraid I'm going to have to give youthis medicine.It'll make you get better but it'll also cause your dickto shrivel up and disappear.It's going to cost you $1000." 
This doesn't make our friend very happy so he goes and sees a surgeon.The surgeon examines him and says "Sorry, but it looks like a nice mix of Syphilis, Gonorrhea, and a few other things to boot.Afraid I'm going to have to cut your dick off and charge you $2000." 
By this time the guy is desperate so he goes to see a doctor of holistic medicine.The doctor examines him and comes to essentially the same conclusion as the other doctors: an advanced case of V.D.However, his approach to the problem is designed to save the patient unnecessary expense, trauma, and worry: "Look, just go home and eat lots of good food, get plenty of rest, and gets lots of sunshine and fresh air.Wait about two weeks and your dick will fall off all by itself." 
 
 
 

A woman goes to a doctor with a problem. 
She's sat on the chair next to the doctor, and she's very hesitant about describing her problem.Eventually the doctor manages to discover that she thinks she may be sexually perverted. 
"What sort of perversion are you talking about?" asks the doctor. 
"Well," said the woman, "I like to be ... ohh ... ah ... ummm ... 
I'm sorry doctor, but I'm too ashamed to talk about it." 
"Come, come, my dear.I'm a doctor you know; I've been trained to understand these problems.So what's the matter ...?" 
So the woman again tried to explain, but got so embarrassed that she just turned bright red and looked as though she might faint. 
It was then the doctor had a bright idea."Look," he said, "I'm a bit of a pervert myself.So if you show me what your perversion is, I'll show you what mine is.Ok?Is it a deal?" 
The woman considered the offer, and after a short while agreed that it was a fair request.So after a slight pause she said: 
"Well my perversion is ... my perversion ... oh ... I like to be kissed on the bottom!" 
"Shit Is that ALL!" said the doctor."Look, go behind that screen,take all your clothes off, and I'll come round and show you what MY perversion is!Hee Hee!" 
So the woman does as she is told, and undresses behind the screen.She gets down on all fours thinking to herself, "Hmmmm, perhaps he might kiss me on the bum." 
Anyway, 15 minutes pass and nothing has happened.So the woman peers around the side of the screen to see the doctor sitting behind his desk, his feet up on the table, reading a newspaper and whistling to himself. 
"Hey!" shouted the woman, "I thought you said you were a pervert?" 
"Oh I am," said the doctor, "I've just shit in your handbag." 
 
 
 

The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said, "Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will." 
"That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added,"Can I see that prescription I just gave you?I'd like to make a little change..." 
 
 

A man suffering from a severe case of flatulence goes to the doctor. 
Man:Doctor, I have a terrible (FARRRT!) problem.I just can't (FFFART!!) stop farting. 
Doctor: That is an unusual complaint.Take off your clothes and lay, stomach down, on the couch. 
The man does as he is told. The doctor examines him for a minute - the man farting all the time. 
Doctor: Ah ha!This should be easy to cure.Excuse me for a moment. 
The doctor goes over to a closet and pulls out a long pole with a sharp spike at one end. 
Man:(FAART!) Oh my God! (fart..) What are you going to do with (FFFARTT!!) that ?! 
Doctor: I need to open a window. 
 
 
 

There are three Jewish mothers bragging about their sons.The first one says "My son is very successful.He is the best lawyer in New York City." The second one says "My son has done better than that.He is the best Doctor in New York City."The third one says "My son has not done that well. He does not have a very good job, and he is homosexual.But he has these two great boyfriends....One is the best lawyer in New York City, and the other is the best doctor in the city." 
 
 
 

"HOW DID IT HAPPEN?" the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man's broken leg. 
"Well, doc, 25 years ago ..." 
"Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this morning." 
"Like I was saying...25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's beautiful daughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted. 
I said no, everything is fine. "Are you sure?", she asked. "I'm sure, I said. 
"Isn't there anything I can do for you?" she wanted to know. "I reckon not" I replied... 
"Excuse me," said the doctor, "What does this story have to do with your leg?" 
"Well, this morning," the farmhand explained, "when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!" 
 
 
 

One night in the pub, the publican is lamenting the fact that business is so quiet on Mondays, Tuesdays and Wednesdays.As he moans to some of the regulars a stranger, dressed in a tweed jacket and wearing glasses wanders over and says, "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help overhearing your conversation. I'm a doctor at the lunatic asylum up the road and I'm trying to integrate some of the more sane individuals into the community.Why don't I bring some of my patients along, say next Tuesday.You'll have some customers and my patients will have a night out." 
Well, the publican isn't sure but the thought of more paying customers on a quiet night appeals, so he agrees.So, the following Tuesday the guy in the tweed jacket and glasses shows up with about ten lunatics.He says to the publican, "Give them whatever they want, put it on a tab and I'll settle up at closing time."  
The publican has a great time selling loads of drinks and encouraging the loonies to eat crisps and peanuts. The loonies have a great time, getting drunk but they behave themselves.At closing time the publican adds up the bill and it comes to just over a hundred pounds!The guy with the glasses and the tweed jacket starts to organize the loonies ready to take them back to the asylum.Finally he comes over and asks for the bill.The publican, feeling that he's charged them rather a lot and feeling he should do his bit to help these poor unfortunate people gives him a discount. "Its eighty quid," he says. 
The guy in the tweed jacket smiles and says, "That's fine. Have you got change for a dustbin lid?" 
 
 
 

A doctor on his rounds in a mental hospital sees a couple of patients behaving rather strangely. The first man is sitting on the edge of his bed clutching an imaginary steering wheel and making loud noises not unlike a Kenworth...VRROOOOM,VRRROOOOMM,....SCREEEECH.......  
"What are you doing?" enquires the doctor. 
"I'm taking this road train down to Barcelona," replies the ex-trucker. 
Somewhat taken aback but not to be put off the doctor moves on to the next bed where he can see some very energetic activity going on underneath the covers. On pulling them back he finds a man totally naked face down into the mattress. 
"And what are you doing?" asks the doctor, a little perplexed. 
"Well," pants the man, "While he's in Barcelona I'm f#g his wife." 
 
 
 

A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I would like to live very long.What should I do?" 
"I think that is a wise decision," the doctor replies."Let's see, do you smoke?" 
"Oh.. half a pack a day." 
"Starting NOW, no more smoking." 
The man agrees. The doctor then asks, "Do you drink?" 
"Oh, well Doc, not much, just a bit of wine with my meals, and a beer or two every once in a while." 
"Starting now, you drink only water.No exceptions." 
The man is a bit upset, but also agrees. The doctor asks, "How do you eat?" 
"Oh, well, you know, Doc, normal stuff." 
"Starting now you are going on a very strict diet: you are going to eat only raw vegetables, with no dressing, and non-fat cottage cheese." 
The man is now really worried."Doc, is all this really necessary?" 
"Do you want to live long?" 
"Yes." 
"Absolutely necessary.And don't even think of breaking the diet." 
The man is quite restless, but the doctor continues, "Do you have sex?" 
"Yeah, once a week or so..., only with my wife!" he adds hurriedly. 
"As soon as you get out of here you are going to buy twin beds. No more sex for you. None." 
The man is appalled. 
"Doc... are you sure I'm going to live longer this way?" 
"I have no idea, but whatever you live, I assure you is going to seem like an eternity!" 
 
 
 
 

An elderly woman went into the doctor's office.When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills." 
Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 75 years old.What possible use could you have for birth control pills?" 
The woman responded, "They help me sleep better." 
The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?" 
The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice and I sleep better at night." 
 
 
 

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm.The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow." 
The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. Later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.This time he wispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?". 
 
 
 

A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center. 
Man: "What are you doing here today?" 
Woman: "Oh, I'm here to donate some blood.They're going to give me $5 for it." 
Man: "Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25." 
The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways. 
Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center. 
Man: "Oh, hi there!Here to donate blood again?" 
Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] "Unh unh." 
 
 
 

A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor.The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him: 
"Hey look, I'm a vet -- I don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions: I can tell what's wrong just by looking. Why can't you?"  
The doctor nodded, looked her up and down, wrote out a prescription, and handed it to her and said, "There you are.Of course, if *that* doesn't work, we'll have to have you put down." 
 
 
 
 
 

In my hometown a well known rich businessman's wife broke her hip.The businessman got the best bone surgeon in town to do the operation.The operation consisted of lining up the broken hip  and putting in a screw to secure it.  
The operation went fine, and the doctor sent the business man a fee for his services of $5000.The businessman was outraged at the cost, and sent the doctor a letter demanding an itemized list of the costs.The doctor sent back a list with two things: 
1 screw $ 1 
knowing how to put it in$4999 
----- 
$5000 
The businessman never argued. 
 
 
 

A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant.This is her first pregnancy.The doctor asks her if she has any questions.She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain.How much will childbirth hurt?" The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain." 
"I know, but can't you give me some idea?," she asks. 
"Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..." 
"Like this?" 
"A little more..." 
"Like this?" 
"No.A little more... 
"Like this?" 
"Yes.Does that hurt?" 
"A little bit." 
"Now stretch it over your head!" 
 
 
 

Then there's the woman who goes to the dentist.As he leans over to begin working on her, she grabs his balls.The dentist says, "Madam, I believe you've got a hold of my privates."The woman replies, "Yes.We're going to be careful not to hurt each other, aren't we." 
 
 
 

A woman is laying on a gurney out in the hall prior to going to surgery. As she lays there, a man in white coat comes by, lifts up the sheet, and then leaves.This happens a second time.The third time this happens she say "Doctor, am I going into surgery soon?"The man replied, "Don't ask me lady.I'm just a painter!" 
 
 
 

"Doctor, don't cut so deep.That's the third operating table you've ruined this month!" 
 
 
 

An 80 year woman married an 85 year old man.After about 6 months together the woman wasn't feeling well and she went to her doctor. The doctor examined and said, "Congratulations Mrs. Jones, you're going to be a mother." 
"Get serious Doctor, I'm 80." 
"I know," said the Doctor, "This morning I would have said it was impossible, but this afternoon you are a medical miracle."  
"I'll be damned," she replied and stormed out of the office. 
She walked down the hall and around the corner to where the telephones were.In a rage, she dialed her husband. 
"Hello" she heard in his familiar halting voice.She screamed,"You rotten son of a bitch.You got me pregnant!" 
There was a pause on the line.Finally her husband answered "Who's calling please?" 
 
 
 

There was a country doctor who was the only doctor for miles around.He wanted to go on a fishing trip so he called the vet and asked him to look after things while he was gone.The vet asked, "Is anything happening?" 
The doctor replied, "Mrs. Jones is about due but I don't think the baby will come before I get back.Anyway, if it does, just deliver it. This is her third and the first two went really easily." 
The vet said "OK" and the doctor went on the fishing trip.When he returned, he called the vet."How did things go while I was gone?" 
"Pretty good." 
"Did Mrs. Jones have her baby?" 
"Yes, it was a 8 pound boy.Everyone's doing fine." 
"Did you have any trouble?" 
"Well, there was just one little problem." 
"What was that?" 
"I had a terrible time getting her to eat the afterbirth!" 
 
 
 
 
 
 

"What kind of job do you do?" a lady passenger asked the man traveling in her compartment. 
"I'm a naval surgeon," he replied. 
"Goodness!" said the lady, "How you doctors specialize these days." 
 
 
 

The resident began his examination of an Elderly man by asking him what brought him to the hospital.The man replied, "An ambulance." 
 
 
 

It is said that the Limbic system of the brain controls the four Fs: Feeding, Fighting, Fleeing, and Reproduction. 
 
 
 

It is recounted that at King's College in the Strand around the time of the war, the Chief of Services would inevitably begin the year's rounds by teaching "a singularly important principle of medicine."He asked a nurse to fetch him a sample of Urine.He then talked at length about Diabetes mellitus. "Diabetes," he said, "is a greek name; but the Romans noticed that the bees like the urine of diabetics, so they added the word mellitus which means sweet as honey.Well, as you know, you may find sugar in the urine of a diabetic ... " By now the nurse had returned with a sample of urine which the registrar promptly held up like a trophy.We stared at that straw coloredfluid as if we had never seen such a thing before.The registrar then startled us. 
He dipped a finger boldly into the urine, then licked his finger with the tip of his tongue.As if tasting wine, he opened and closedhis lips rapidly.Could he perhaps detect a faint taste of sugar? The sample was passed on to us for an opinion.We all dipped a finger into the fluid, all of us foolishly licked that finger. 
"Now," said the Registrar grinning, "You have learned the first principle of diagnosis.I mean the power of observation."We were baffled.We stood near the sluice room outside the ward, and in the distance, some anonymous patient was explosively coughing. "You see," the registrar said continuing triumphantly, "I dipped my MIDDLE finger into the urine, but licked my INDEX finger -- not like all you chaps. 
 
 
 

In "Pissing in the Snow: Ozark Mountain Folktales", Vance Randolph tells of a wizened old country doctor who could treat anything.Well it seems one time, one of the mountain folk came into his office with three complaints."Doc," he said, "I can't taste nothin', I can't tell the truth, and I can't remember nothin' besides." 
Well the old Doc thought about this for a minute and went back into the apothecary, and made of two capsules full with cow hooey, and gave them both to the man, and telling him to take one immediately, chewing well. 
Well, the man did as he was told, bit down and started chawing, then yelled out, "Yeachhhhh... this stuff tastes like shee-it." 
"Uh huh," the doctor said, "Well I see that you can taste, and you're certainly telling the truth now. And the next time that you're memory is acting up, just take the other pill." 
And the old Doc charged the man fifteen bucks and sent him on his way, and never did hear no trouble from him much after that. 
 
 
 

There are several kinds of doctors, and it is told that they can be differentiated by the following method: 
-General Practitioners know nothing and do little. 
-Surgeons know little and do everything. 
-Internists knows everything and do nothing. 
-Pathologists know everything and can do everything, but it's usually too late. 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

This guy decides to get a sex change.So he goes to the doctors and has the thing done.A couple of weeks later he was talking to one of his old buddies about it. 
"Gee, it must have really hurt when they shot all that silicon into your chest to make your breasts." 
"Not really, I hardly felt it." 
"Well, it must have really hurt when they chopped off your manhood!" 
"Nope, I didn't really feel it either.The only thing that really hurt was when they drilled a hole in my skull and sucked out half my brain." 
 
 
 
 

This guy goes into a doctors and says "Doctor, doctor you've gotta help me. I just can't stop having sex!" 
"Well how often do you have it?" the doctor asks. 
"Well, twice a day I have sex with my wife, TWICE a day", he answers back. 
"That's not so much", says the doctor. 
"Yes, but thats not all. Twice a day I have sex with my secretary, TWICE a day," replies the man. 
"Well that is probably a bit excessive," says the doctor. 
"Yes, but thats not all. Twice a day I have sex with a prostitute, TWICE a day," says the man. 
"Well, that's definitely to much", says the doctor. "You've got to learn to take yourself in hand." 
"I do", says the man. "Twice a day." 
 
 
 

A new arrival, about to enter hospital, saw two white coated doctors searching through the flower beds."Excuse me," he said, "have you lost something?" 
"No," replied one of the doctors. "We're doing a heart transplant for an income-tax inspector and want to find a suitable stone." 
 
 
 
 
 
 

What is the proper medical term for the CIRCUMCISION of a rabbit? A Hare Cut. 
 
 
 

A group of psychiatrists go to tour an insane asylum that is reknowned for their progressive rehabilitation methods.They begin by visiting some of the patients. The first patient they visit is a young woman.She is practicing ballet. 
One of the psychiatrist asks, "What are you doing?" 
She replies, "I'm studying ballet so when I get out of here I can possibly join a troupe and be a productive member of society." 
"Wow, that's wonderful." 
The next person was a man reading a book with a pile of books next to him. 
The same question asked to him, "What are you doing?" 
"I'm studying biology, chemistry, etc.So I can enter medical school when I get out" 
Room after room they witnessed the incredible success and attitudes of the patients.Until they finally reached a room the asylums director was reluctant to open.Finally he was persuaded to open it. 
Inside was a man balancing a peanut on his penis. 
The reaction of the psychiatrist, "My God what are you doing?" 
"I'm fucking nuts and I'm never getting out of here"